My town's Relay for Life cancer fundraiser is this weekend. Relay for Life is a 12-hour event in support of loved ones who have cancer, and in memory or its victims. People raise money from sponsors and walk around a track in 1-hour shifts. There's music, friends and spirits are high. "Luminaries" (candles) are purchased and lit in memory or support of loved ones. I've been a participant for years, but this is the first Relay since my diagnosis. When my wife asked me if I wanted to go to the Survivors' Dinner and Victory Lap, I respectfully said no.I am not in denial or embarassed about having cancer. I know I have myeloma, and have accepted that I will have to live with the disease. My wife said from the minute I was diagnosed I was considered a survivor, but since I've yet to start treatment it doesn't feel that way. I just don't feel I've earned the right to walk amongst the survivors in the victory lap. Another reason is that I don't want the attention it may bring as poeple find out I have cancer. To my knowledge, few people in my town and few colleagues know I am "ill", and that is fine with me. Or, maybe they do know, and aren't saying anything because they are uncomfortable or just hate my guts. I am not dwelling on the possibilities.
I will be there on June 6th as the Survivors take their walk around the track. I will cheer them on and feel for and with them. I will take my scheduled walk from 3-4 a.m. (ugh, what was I thinking). Maybe next year I'll join the Survivors. Should I start treatment by then, maybe I will feel differently. My next oncology appointment is on June 9th. I will get the results of blood tests and learn if myeloma has progressed enough to start treatment, or if I can take a free pass for another two months. What a life.
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